What We Have Not What We Don't!

I don’t know about you, but one of the biggest hurdles I’ve had to overcome (and still fight daily) is the idea that others know more than me, especially in areas where I am dubbed an expert.

I think a lot of it goes back to when I was younger, especially in my teen years where, although I was in the top set at school there were those around me who were like a cerebrum on legs: they oozed ability, knowledge and were more concerned with where they’d lost two or three marks in their exams than with where they’d gained them!

The problem with hanging out with these guys wasn’t anything to do with their personalities: most of them were really great people to be around. It was the toll that it all took on my self-confidence and self-esteem. My mind had a field day, reinforcing all those doubts that had ever dared to enter my thinking, or had been placed there by others.

It wasn’t until I was in my 40’s that I was forced to go back and revisit these difficult and confusing times when recovering from serious illness. During the long, slow, often painful process that was called recovery I was forced (in the nicest way possible) to see these things in their true perspective and identify the lies that I had taken on-board and made an integral part of my life and psyche.

One of the biggest mistakes I had made was when I started looking at my abilities in comparison to others. We live in a competitive world where we are continually compared to others BUT there is no need for us to do it to ourselves. When we go for a new job, invariably our skill sets, talents and background will be compared to those of others competing for the same job. That is the interviewer’s job.

HOWEVER, we want to be at our best in those situations, showing others our true self and abilities.

If we focus on what we don’t have and what we can’t do as well as others, then we will never see our own unique talents; our own unique skills and the things that we CAN bring to the table that others can’t.

Here’s a couple of examples from my own life that may help:

• When I left school, I went straight to university but was so clueless and dispirited about what I wanted to/could do that I gave up after a term (though I did return with my first drum kit … but that is another story!). I worked for 3 years and then decided that I would go back to studying as I had a much clearer idea of where I wanted to go (and where I couldn’t go at that time without a degree). I entered the first year of my degree expecting to be worse than the fresh young things entering straight after their A-levels. I looked to the brightest of them for encouragement and help but I was always aware in my own mind that I wasn’t as good as them. That was confirmed in my exams at the end of the year. For some reason and I still don’t know why, I decided over the Summer holidays that I would really work for myself and make sure that I understood what I was doing. This meant re-learning a lot of what I’d not learnt very well during my first year. The second year was different. Nothing changed in my ability to work with others, but my internal focus was now on what I could do rather than what I couldn’t. I really WANTED to learn and understand to the best of MY abilities. I came top of the year in my second year exams, something I could never have dreamed of. I wasn’t the brightest on paper (my A-level results wer mediocre at best) but my focus had changed and I’d achieved my potential (albeit with a lot of hard work). I passed my degree with a higher grade than I would ever have expected and then went on to higher study. The point I’m trying to encourage you with is that if we look at ourselves it’s very easy to see what we lack. But we have so much to offer that others don’t, and others rarely see the failings in ourselves that we do! I’m definitely not trying to propose some self-help mantra but I am suggesting that a change of focus can bring a change of attitude and facilitate us reaching our fuller potential.
• Another example was when I was working as a member of a Medical Department’s clinical research team in the pharmaceutical industry. I knew some of my strengths: people skills, patience, generally up-beat and good to be around etc. But, it took several years of working with the Dark Side, i.e., members of the Marketing Department, to really bring my core skills to the fore. Medical Departments generally work to a dinosaur type time-scale; it takes a long time to design, set-up, run, and report clinical trials. Marketing work very much in the here and now and want results today (or yesterday if possible). Initially I worked to set-up a Medical-Marketing Interface, a group of people from both departments who could get together on a regular basis to discuss what their priorities were at that time, what they were for the next year and the reality of what information was likely to become available or be wanted in that time. These were not easy meetings but they gradually evolved into a broader set of discussion forums that really helped the two departments work together more effectively. They opened the way for more constructive interaction rather than shooting at each other from the parapets. Through them there was also much closer collaboration in the construction of sales and marketing literature and this is where I discovered something that had probably been obvious but I’d never seen it! My personal ‘gem’ was an ability to make complex and highly technical scientific and medical ideas easy to understand by all, including those from a non-technical and non-scientific background. This did two things: a) It boosted my confidence; I did have something special to offer and b) it paved the way for my last role in corporate business, that of communicating and building professional relationships with members of the medical and research communities and providing fora in which we could openly discuss data supporting the use of specific drugs in difficult-to-treat-conditions. It was also interesting that when I left my job, many of the most moving ‘good-bye’ messages came from these same people.

It took me a long time to realise that it’s not always simply how much we know, it’s a lot more to do with recognising our own skills and talents, developing and using these to the best of our abilities, whilst never missing the opportunity to hear what others are saying about us. As we refine our path, we will be amazed at what we have to offer and as with my university exams, we may just move from being one of the crowd to being a leader.

Even if we don’t, I can guarantee that you’ll feel so much better about yourself and be more confident with what you can offer.

HR: A Waste of Time?

How many Human Resources departments contain people whose ability to communicate on a human level is close to or less than zero?

I have friends who see themselves as leaders of people and therefore, the ideal material for a career in HR, when they would be better suited as guards in a prison camp.

Just recently a local school was in need of help from the Local Education Authority due to problems that have arisen through poor leadership. When things came to a head, the messenger of doom from the LEA HR Department advised the staff that the problem was in hand but they were no means out of the muck so they’d better not rest on their laurels.

Excellent! Why not just say, “You bunch of incompetents! You need our help and we are going to be watching every move you make.” Like Boris in Golden Eye, “We are invincible!“

Had the problem arisen through shortcomings by the very experienced staff who taught at the school, fine; but they weren’t! They were the result of rules imposed by a rather single-minded head, who had little regarded for advice by teachers, parents or the LEA and who ruled with an iron rod in a velvet sack.

Separating out the issues from the emotion, this situation did not need a social incompetent from the LEA HR department to exercise their authority. It needed and still needs someone to say, “You know what? This is a pretty sticky situation you’re in but you have the experience, we have the expertise so let’s work together and we’ll sort it out.“

HR departments are no different to any other. They are run by people and need (perhaps more than ever, because of the weight of authority they carry, good, basic, grunt level human interactive and social skills.

(As a quick aside … Why do they deny this authority? In case of legal comeback? Smoke and mirrors? Deceit? I can still remember being told by one HR Commandant that they can only advise and not tell … hmmm!)

It’s not about power (though I think for many it is about getting a kick/security from being in control and influencing others; not necessarily for good). It’s about empowering; giving people the tools and support they need to achieve the tasks and overcome the threats, barriers, hurdles they face. Poor leadership says much more about the leaders than those they lead.

There is a flip side to this …

There is a saying that “where the darkness is darkest, the light shines brightest.” I want to thank those seemingly increasingly few members of HR departments who really do stand out as being people who fit the job like a silk glove (rather than a boxing glove). Those who

• Are a source of inspiration, support and common sense in a quagmire of ego
• Really are the personal side of a department that purports to be about people
• See themselves as having a personnel role rather than just a project manager

Those people who prove daily that HR does not stand for Human Remains.

Surely, if HR is going to be effective they have to communicate and interact effectively with the people for whom they have responsibility/oversight. If they do, great. If not, then they are potentially rather a waste of time!

Self-Esteem & Self-Confidence

Today I'm going to start a 'mini-series' on what I see as possibly one of the most crucial elements to any success story: self-esteem and self-confidence. I've put them his way round for a reason that will become apparent as you read on ...

So let's start at the beginning ...

What are they?

The Oxford English Dictionary defines them as follows:

Self-Esteem

• noun confidence in one’s own worth or abilities

Self-Confidence

• noun a feeling of trust in one’s abilities, qualities, and judgement

At a first glance they may seem to be the same thing. Indeed, they are very close, but self-confidence is based more around what we can do whilst self-esteem is based more on who we are; our worth.

Both are incredibly important in shaping our lives and enabling us to achieve our potential. If we have no self-esteem then achievement becomes much more difficult and we often sabotage our own efforts (at least mentally) before we start or give ourselves chance to achieve anything. Without self-esteem there is little or no foundation on which to develop self-confidence.

Our lives are a tapestry of events; some good and some bad. The proportion and magnitude of these events can be highly significant in developing our self-esteem and ultimately, self-confidence (or lack thereof).

Here's a couple of simple scenarios which help to demonstrate this (based on two friends of mine):

Friend A came from a family where achievement was the norm. Mum and dad were both high flyers and the level of expectations in the family was high. Older brother was at university studying astro-physics and younger brother was a brilliant pianist. Unfortunately, my friend was less academic although he was extremely practical. You can imagine that when his test and exam results came in, he was not at the top of the list. He was frequently berated by his parents for underachieving. His self-esteem fell. He felt that he was worth little because he could not do what was expected of him. Not surprisingly he rebelled and became a real problem ... until he left home and eventually set up his own business repairing cars, servicing and tuning engines. His reputation spread and he became a very successful businessman. Not surprisingly he also became very confident and happy with his lot! It wasn't that this young man had no ability; it was that his abilities were overlooked because he did not fit into the expectations of others. He needed the chance to discover and apply his many talents, and when he did ...

Friend B came from a totally different background. The members of his family were not high achievers. His dad worked at a local company as a storeman and his mum worked in a local bakery. My friend was very good at electronics and always had things in pieces. His sister loved art (but was not top of the class). Both parents were full of encouragement for my friend and his sister. Fast forwarding ten years ... both my friend and his sister became very successful in their respective fields. And both were very confident people. When they speak of their parents, they both speak with great affection, with genuine thanks for how they were trusted and for the confidence that was instilled in them because of this. They were valued as individuals and given the chance to experiment and fail, knowing that their parents were always behind them. They knew this and it shaped their high self-esteem and self-confidence.

Now I know that these two examples are probably towards the extreme ends of the spectrum, but they are real examples which demonstrate how important self-esteem is for developing self-confidence. I also understand that in order to achieve some things, we need to aim high and be motivated and pushed on by those around us. But if our core belief doesn't allow us to accept those things we need, then we will not achieve our potential; we will only be driven into greater self-doubt.

We may look at ourselves and think that we have very little to offer. Is that the truth? Or is it because we lack the self-esteem and self-confidence to see beyond that to what potential we really have? It's often how we see things that makes the difference.



Light in the darkness or darkness
threatening the light?

It is also worth considering what impact we have on the self-esteem and self-confidence of others ... but that's for next time.

The Power of Music to Change the Label

Don’t you just love the way we label people … loser, nobody, somebody, hero … etc.

But we make these decisions with very little supportive evidence .

We look at people, perhaps at what they’ve done (or not done) and then we decide on their value, which is incredibly subjective and can be based on such strong scientific principles as ‘How we feel’!!

I recently ran a drumming workshop with a group of people aged from 19 into their early 20’s. If you were to put labels on them, many would have opted for terms like 'nobodys'.

In fact if you asked them who they were, they’d probably tell you that they are nobodys (based on what society has told them) because they are a group who have struggled with school and come from backgrounds which have resulted in such low self esteem that they rate their value as zero.

BUT they are one of the BEST groups I have ever run workshops for! Period.

Sure, many were shy but they were great listeners, sensing changes in feel and rhythm, and when we stopped, everyone stopped on exactly the same beat. Some were prepared to try solos. They were willing to give it their best shot.

Here are some labels I would use for this group:

• Winners
• Brave
• Enthusiastic
• Great learners
• Listeners
• Smilers
• Relaxed (eventually!)
• Contributors
• An inspiration to me

And if that is being a nobody then I want to be one too!

Thank you all for making it such a great session and teaching me what it takes to overcome personal barriers and uncertainties to make things rock!

You are an inspiration and don’t let anyone ever tell you that you are a nobody.

You have more going for you than you may realise for some time. But once you can grasp how special you all are and what talents you have, then you will see yourselves very differently.

I just pray that the rest of us will give you chance to shine as you did in our workshop.

**************************

I was greatly encouraged to receive the following comments from one of the youth leaders after the event …

“I thought the session was tremendous. It was a great environment for our guys, many of whom have low self-esteem. The way they were able to join in with the session without feeling pressured worked really well. Overall, the evening was a memorable event for our guys and a very enjoyable one!” TS; Youth Leader